a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
