Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
