he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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