They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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