Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize