You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When did angry sex become our thing?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
