I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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