Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
