Quick, to the slutcave!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
