three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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