a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
