I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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