you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
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