New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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