I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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