I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
