Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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