is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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