I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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