Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
