You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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