I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
