"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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