She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
