took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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