omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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