I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
