i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My breasts were aching with rage.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
