i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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