I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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