Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you win again, gameday.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
