just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
