So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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