He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Still dying that you shit outside
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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