Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
