Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
