I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need a burrito and a hug.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
