I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
