I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
