I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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