i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
