There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
