at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
