yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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