You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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