No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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