she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
