Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize