Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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