Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
