My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
