You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
