Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
