Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
