Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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