Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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