I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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