nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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