do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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